Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
