Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
