Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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