I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
