mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
