It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
