It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
