I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
