Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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