Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Randomize
