Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
