he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
