not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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