mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
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