Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
