i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
