i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Randomize
