I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
