I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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