now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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