You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
