I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
