Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
