Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
