I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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