I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
