I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
