I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
