I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Randomize
