If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
