have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
