I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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