What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
