Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
