I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
