This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
