there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
