I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
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