Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
