She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
