Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
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