walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
