wakey wakey hands off snakey
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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