There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
