Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
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