If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
