He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
