hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
