The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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