he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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