I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
