Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
People in love make me want to vomit
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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