he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
