I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
