So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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